I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
