Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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