Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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