I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Randomize
