I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
