Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
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Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
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I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize