i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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