I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
