to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
