God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
