I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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