You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
