he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
