at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
