Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
