So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
