every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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