In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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