a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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