I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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