No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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