If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
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How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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