Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
