jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
third nipple confirmed
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
