11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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