Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
