Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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