i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
