i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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