I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
