well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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