and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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