I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Screwed.edu
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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