I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
