when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
