News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
