I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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