i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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