She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
