I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
