first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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