At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
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my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
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I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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