there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
