just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
As shirtless as possible
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
