So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
bring money and cleavage
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
