are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
