Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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