I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
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I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
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I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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