Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
