I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
