i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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