I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
