fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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