I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
