half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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