i just wanna soil my oats bro
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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