so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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