he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Randomize
