You're my little dorito
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
