if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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