dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
We left an ass print on the piano.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
