the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Randomize
