I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
