It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
