cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
he quoted the bible to break up with me
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
