Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
